About Me

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I come from a small town, enjoy laughing and being the weird one to help others smile. We should hang out sometime.

Thursday, November 22, 2012



I just have so much of it right now. Frustration from doing two all nighters in a row for work (the second of which ended up being an eighteen hour shift, projected to only be nine hours), frustration for more than a hundred unsold pies, frustration about work becoming my life, frustration, frustration, and even more frustration. I could rant on and on about my frustrations but I won't subject you to them all. Today I really just need to vent about one thing: my father.

Right now I suggest looking up a song called ''Out of Thin Air'' from Alladin and the King of Thieves.

People always ask me why I call him father rather than dad. To me it is a simple answer. Dad is a term of endearment, of familiarity, of love. He is my father. He imparted some of his genetics to me, started that spark of life. There used to be a time when I called him Dad but sadly that is gone.

You see, he used to be engaging, a people-person. He used to be able lift forty pounds and walk a straight line. He used to laugh and enjoy the little things in life. He used to get up before dawn every morning, just so he could watch the world wake. He used to be the man I wanted to be like.

He was so much. Now, now he isn't much of anything. He picked up heavy drinking about seven years ago. At first it was only sparingly at social events, then only at social, then sparingly at home and you see the pattern. It really jumped at the beginning of that last recession so many years ago. He had been a realtor and housing died, so no work. Details overlooked, he crawled into his bottle. Ever since then he has been perpetually inebriated, only sobering a little for a shift at work then back to the bottle. Passed out at home, waking long enough to yell about how inadequate the rest of us were and to stick some food in his mouth followed by liquor.
The past couple years was worse, more often than not he would forgo the food and only drink. Family fights escalated, so much so that he started striking my mother and I broke some of his ribs. The list goes on and on.

Now, now he is paying the price of his lifestyle. For years I had told him he was going to die before I got married if he carried on the way he was. Two weeks ago he got ''sick''. He missed work, he wouldn't get out of bed, he wouldn't eat, he bloated. This was a Thursday. The next day, Friday, he missed again and had swelled considerably. We implored him to visit a doctor, he denied our requests. The man hadn't the strength to get out of his own bed unassisted but still refused. This is when I noticed something, the white of his eyes were yellow and he had difficulty concentrating. A quick google search later and my suspicions were confirmed. Cirrhosis of the liver. He had pickled his liver, turned it into a mass of scar tissue. Apparently on that Saturday my family convinced him to go to a doctor who only reaffirmed my conclusion. This doctor also told him that he had to stop drinking alcohol completely or he would die within the year. When I returned on Sunday, I returned to a sober father. I can't tell you the last time that ever happened. He also had several prescriptions and was scheduled for bloodwork and plenty of lab test with a specialist. Its been about two weeks since and he has gone more downhill. Now he has a chemical imbalance which has increased his overall level of confusion. He is now hallucinating as well. Regardless of his mental state, or the fact that his arms are widest at his wrists, or that his legs are little bigger than his arms, there is some good news. Last night, after finding him in my room at two in the morning and after returning him to his bed, he looked me in the eyes and said something. It was such a little thing. ''We'll compare scars in the morning.'' It such a stupid line, it stems from the movie Lethal Weapon. The beautiful thing is I used to compare recent bumps and bruises and scars with my Dad. For that small moment when I looked into those dulled and yellowed eyes and saw a glimmer of playfulness and hear that sentence, I was overcome by hope.

For this, I am thankful.

Monday, November 5, 2012


RHey there. I've figured it has been too long since I've given a proper update of my life. Sadly, a proper update is not in this post. Life has been hectic. Not too long ago I was working 220 hours months and it was no bueno. I lived at work, that was all I had time for. Work and my three hour nap. Somehow I sneaked food in.

Last week I quit my second job and now will only be working in the Riverwoods as assistant pastry and making ALL the sweetbread for both Provo stores. One would think that I would finally have free time for fun stuff, but that is wrong. My family has moved and that has consumed my free hours the past week. I am so glad we have all the hard stuff done now (mostly I'm thankful I no longer have to do heavy lifting by myself).

Ummm I do believe this is the point in the post where I try to make myself seem human and vulnerable. Foolish fleshbags, I am invincible.

But yeah... I hate having to sit around and watch somebody slowly kill themselves day by day. I hate that no matter what I do, nothing I accomplish matters to them, that they blind themselves and bind themselves further to Death.

I also miss cuddling. It is such a stupid activity when you think about it. I mean you sit around with somebody and pretty much do nothing. That's one of the best parts. Being able to just sit around and be at peace, to open up enough to someone to be able to just relax. Sharing warmth and sharing thoughts, enjoying the moment and sometimes revelling in the beauty of our natural world. Not to mention there really is something about holding somebody who seems so delicate but feels so strong. Like they are anchored to the earth, that they can endure all.

Hey. You guys really shouldn't let me ramble on like that. It might make me seem like I care.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Workplace Vocabulary


BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOF'S: Well-off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.

Monday, October 15, 2012

A hug :-)

Oh my goodness. I just want to run 

I really have this huge urge to go off to Europe. I want to go see, I want to go and do. For somebody who is so used to randomly and rampantly rambling, I am at a loss of words to fully express how I feel as of now. It feels so right for me to go and the timing works rather very wonderfully. Oh gosh. I really need to quit thinking.

Other awesome news in my life? Well... not so much. Though I totally had the most pleasant surprise I've had in a long while, the other day. I was at work (like I always am), just grinding away at the stone, when I just so happened to look up. What to my most pleasant surprise, I saw a friendly face!! Now this face was deep into a debate on some subject with their peers (I do believe the subject was Humanities) and did not notice my advance. That is she did not notice my advance until about three steps into it. I was going to be perfectly content to just walk on up and say my salutations. For her, this was not so. She immediately cried out, "BOURNE!" and proceeded to fly out of her seat and around the tables to get to me, for I was on the other side of the railing. Let me tell you, it's been awhile since I've had a flying hug. One would not think that a wisp of a girl would be able to impact me so much, but I nearly lost my balance when I was hugged. It was so very fine. The mandatory catching up and small talk commenced and I spent two or three minutes more than I should have chatting, but it was well worth it.

   Isn't it so strange how a smiling face can drastically improve your day? How a simple embrace can send your spirit soaring? How all these tiny interactions go on to have a Ripple Effect? I love it.

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Girls. Girls are an unending source of confusion and aches. The worst part is, they are just so cute and irresistible. It's true that I can manage to stay away for awhile, but I can't stop heading back for more punishment.

  Did I mention they're confusing? Definitely.

 Umm... I think that weird feeling is coming back again. You know... the one where I feel like I'm pulling out of a dive in an airplane. Oh yeah... I forgot that none of you have actually done that...
Awkward: adjective Lacking skill or dexterity

Awkward definitely describes a great many things about me. Awkward times I laugh, awkward statements, but most importantly (detrimental) awkward attempts at courting. 

Seriously. The past few days at work I've just been all but falling on my face. 

And now a quote from one of my favorite movies, The Gods Must be Crazy, "...I do want to talk to her. I'll tell her, I'll say "Look, Miss Thompson. I know you think I'm an idiot, but normally I'm quite normal. It's only when I'm in the presence of a lady that I... It's really just an interesting psychological phenomenon. If a man who is susceptible to a type of para-Freudian syndrome like this encounters a nubile female, what happens?"

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Falcon punch

So uhh... Do you guys remember that time in my life where I ceaselessly crusaded to amuse everyone? Yeah. I kinda stopped doing that after I came back from the Lake. Today is a day where I rather feel a bit of remorse for such lack of action on my part, but to be perfectly honest, I have been busy. Busy busy BUSY busy busy busy busy busy BUSY! It's awesome how, if you repeat a word over and over, the word seems more and more absurd.

For not posting in forever

Back to business. I am now a featured pastry chef at the Riverwoods Kneaders and I bake ALL of the sweet breads for both Provo stores. Here's an average day in the life of Yidlogo Ałzhi'shì:

  • 4:30 A.M. -- Gityersawrrykarkusup, perform morning ablutions
  • 4:40 A.M. -- Leave to Comalitos, order ham and egg burrito, munchitize whilst driving to work
  • 5:00 A.M. -- Clock in, begin day of work at Riverwoods Kneaders
  • ~12 Noon~1 P.M. -- Leave Riverwoods Kneaders
  • ~1:45 P.M. -- Nap
  • 5:00 P.M. -- Arise, head to work
  • ~5:15~5:30 P.M. -- Clock in Provo Kneaders
  • 9:45 P.M. -- Clock out and flee
  • 10:00 P.M. --  Devour anything that seems remotely appetizing at place of residence
  • 10:30 P.M. -- Worship the internet gods
  • 12 Midnight -- Ready for bed
  • 1:00 A.M. -- Actual time I crawl onto my mattresss

And now you know because it's Mike's supershort show!!

Oh, and sometimes I actually go out. Those days are Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. So yeah... if you're interested in seeing me (crazy talk I know), those would be the days you are most likely to have success with.

Fun story of the post? Mmm... Well I went to the Timpview Homecoming game. It was pretty fun seeing a number of people. But moment that stole the night? Well allow me to recount it for you.

           ....I had decided to veritably "cowboy up" for the day. I personally blame the fact that I had been spending several days in the land of Millard County. At the game I was simply standing around and chatting with that good friend of mine, Trey Nelson. Suddenly, I felt a presence on my hat and it soon began to rise off of my head. Behind me, a child gloatingly head my hat up out of reach (being as he was a row above me) and began to initiate some taunt. He never got to finish it. I just decked him in the gut and took my hat back when he doubled over. The moral of this story? Never take a cowboy's hat.
Oh yeah... and people were all like "You shouldn't have done that." or "I could have told you not to mess with Bourne." That was insanely gratifying for some reason. Made go all Jafar.

Wasn't that a nice story? I enjoyed the part where the protagonist went and talked to people. Oh, and the Call of Duty party after. That was sweet.

Oh yeah.


Sunday, June 24, 2012


 My newest man crush. ish....

Oh goodness! I rather completely forgot about this blog... and I bet nobody noticed. SOOOooooOOoOoOooOoOOoo........


I love life. Maybe someday soon I shall tell you of it. Until then, I'm attempting to manage a Barbershop quartet.... Any  help appreciated.


Sunday, June 10, 2012


One day I will run away, one day I won't force the smile.
One day I will see the bay, one day I might stay awhile.
I will be surrounded by love and peace, I'll feel fuzzy and warm.
I need not fear the raging beast, not fear that deriding scorn.
I need not fill with rage, nor with sorrow.
That beast will lie in a cage, there will be a better tomorrow. 

Sunday, May 20, 2012


Some days there really isn't a reason to be unhappy. Some days everything is just dandy. But for some reason there are times when I just can't help but feel less than joyful. I really don't know what it is. It's just a feeling that comes around, an idea that I am not adequate, that who I am isn't enough. There's probably counseling for it, meh. I've got a dog that loves me and bed that's supportive of me. Oh yeah. And ice cream. Fat kids freaking love ice cream.
  Oh yeah. So basically people should hang out with me. I miss people.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


The main character of our story settled down into that driving position which can be maintained for hours on end. A few things flashed by which were of passing interest. Dead snake. Baby stroller. Ice cream cone. For near on one hundred miles he drove, just to reach a small hamlet that was mostly untouched by the twenty-first century. Upon reaching this lovely little town, he roused his co-pilot, who had dutifully stayed attentive at his post. What was so important at this place? An idea. The idea of a "double date".  On this outing, twas hiking, a movie, and soaking in thermal springs. Our protagonist greatly enjoyed these activities with the simple locals and looks forward to the next event where they may meet. 
                   In another paragraph of his story, he went on an even greater hunt. The "tripe date". Yes my friends, it happened. Might I say that the outing will defy any attempt your humble orator may put forth to portray it in words. With that said, here is a picture which might exemplify the joy of the hunt.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Anaconda Squeeze!

Well hey there. It's me again.  I guess that's why you come here, am I right? Tonight... I really don't know how I feel. I'm a bit of apathetic, lost, dejected, spiritless, and disappointed. Do you really want to know why? Likely not so I won't bore you with that stuff and such.
    What I WILL regale you with, is a tale of my recent adventures.

I'm Sorry

I find myself mildly sorry for neglecting this blog. I think I may start up vlogging. Yea? Nay? Potatoes? I love myself... and you guys as well I guess.

My father the meme


Thursday, April 19, 2012


So sometimes I miss being a wild child of the land. Sometimes I remember I used to competitively throw hatchets. Sometimes I go to a website whose catalog I would (literally) drool over and accidentally click on something that led me here. You know... the Closeout section. Basically I've decided I'm buying these things.

 Tactical Warrior Neck Knife
This neck knife has a full tang construction of black anodized 420 stainless steel with a razor sharp 3 1/8" blade and ABS handle. The impact resistant sheath holds the knife firmly in place and includes a nylon neck cord for lightweight transport. 6 7/8" overall

United Black Ronin Magnum Axe
Named after the infamous Ronin, the rogue masterless samurai warriors. Constructed from one solid piece of hard black anodized stainless steel with a heavy-duty nylon cord wrapped grip. This fully functional fantasy axe is equipped with a 7 1/2" axe head and is perfectly balanced for a no-slip grip. Includes nylon sheath. 22 1/2" overall

Yeah.... this is all I have to say for myself....


Sunday, April 15, 2012


Girls. Girls are a neverending source of confusion and aches. The worst part is, they are just so cute and irresistible. It's true that I can manage to stay away for awhile, but I can't stop heading back for more punishment.

Did I mention they're confusing? Definitely. When you think you have a chance, you really don't. When you don't think they'd even look at you twice, they tend to be thinking about kissing you. And when you think you know if they like you, they banish you to the friendzone or toss you out. And when I say you, I really mean me. 

  Oh yeah... then there's that entire thing when they find you attractive. Down below are things personally heard and directed towards me. 

"I feel I could talk to you about anything, ask you to dance in the rain with me or just go wander in a forest of aspen trees. I could look at the stars with you, and not say anything at all because I know you see the value in silence. But I could also tell you all the things I believe, what I wonder about the universe, and know that you wonder about some of them too. I feel like if I could make you laugh, it would be one of the best sounds in the world. I want to know you. As you are. Without you feeling I expect anything other than you. I feel like you would understand what it's like to hide so much, hiding when something is wrong, and you don't know what, but you just smile and laugh with people because you know it's something you can't exactly say in words."
"You're beautiful"
"You're handsome."
"you're seriously an awesome guy."
"ur a babe"
"You have it all. Swagger. Personality. Witty. Funny. handsome. You just rock at life."
"You have one sexy smile."
"Your eyes are the best I've seen."

What really gets me though, is if even a quarter of these things were true, why can't I ever manage to make anything last? To work out? To manage to be liked back in the same way? Why must it always turn out I'm just some booty call, the fallback? Oh yeah, and that girl I completely crush on and try to let know how I feel? I may as well be dead because I'm a nice guy. I've figure it out. Nice guys make great husband material, great friend material, but they're not what girls need now.

My (least) favorite part about this irony in being "attractive"? That girl I've crushed on forever doesn't realize it's her. I've been friend zoned and I don't see me getting out of it,because if I tried to exit it and succeed, I would probably fail. Failure would mean that I get out of the friend zone, but also told (kindly) to exit her life.

Oh yeah... and girls that I like and probably have a chance to do well with, they're hours away now. That's life.


So sometimes I have awesome friends. Sometimes we play Wallball and I take off my shirt. Other times we stuff our faces at Tucanos and laugh uproariously for five minutes. Oh yeah. Sometimes they get me hooked on music groups.

Like these examples below...

Japanese rock and Russian techno? I have found what I shall be listening to now.

                  Life isn't too fun right now. Been working 9-13 hours each day this past week and it's looking to be more or less the same this coming week. The first week was completely understandable, stocking a new store and being trained to be perfect by corporate. I had been hoping it would stop this week but some lovely person decided to quit opening week. Awesome.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Smiling all Happily

<-- This guy does it correctly

Emo Hitler does it wrong

 He just needs to turn it upside down--->

So you might be 


       I have so much about smiles... 

well.... [can you tell I like girls ellipses?] I have to tell you something. The other day I realized [or rather I was told]
that I have an amazing smile.
It's not one of those things you usually see in yourself === I certainly HOPE not === but such has been said too many times very recently and over time that I'm beginning to believe it. I mean it's really one of the things  that people comment most on to me. "Wow Bourne! You're always smiling!" "Don't you ever stop smiling!?!?"
And I also try very hard to make sure everyone around me has a good reason to smile. A smile from me (they're infectious), a joke, or I'll even do something absurd and totally outrageous. [band anyone?]
Let me be Frank. Actually... I'd rather just be myself.
 Poor pun aside (and a bit above)
I'm not really all that proud of my body.
My body is nice and strong and such... but it's... hard to explain. The only part of it I'm somewhat proud of

Isn't that beautiful? Alright alright. It's a low quality picture and tacky but I like it. 
 Now back to the main topic of this post. My smile. The most recent example of the power of my own smile goes back to a day earlier this week. I was hanging out in the mall with some friends. Two girls walked into the store (Pac Sun or whatever) and they were cute. My friends (two of which were on shift at the store) saw me look and dared me to flirt with them. Naturally, me being the bashful guy I am, just smiled and blushed and looked away. Then I felt the eyes upon me. I looked up and made eye contact and I guess I smiled. I continued talking with my friends and awkwardly not making eye contact with either of those girls. But I would casually look over and everytime I did that they happened to look over at me. 

Right after they left, a girl friend I was with (notice the space?) started going crazy. She was amazed that somehow I had managed to flirt with the girls without even going over and talking to them.
This really started me thinking... what is a smile? What does it do? 
I then realized that I smile, not only for me, but for others. I smile nonstop when people see me, because I'm always enjoying the presence of others. 

I LOVE being with and around people.

  And I also have learned that throughout my life, I've always tried to make others around me smile and feel some happiness. Why? I know not. Probably because everybody looks good with a smile on their face :D

Then there are times where I remember how great it is to have something to smile about. I look back at my Freshman year. Before I moved to Timpview, I lived in a middle of nowhere town and had tons of awesome friends that I could go hang out with and do anything at anytime. Life was amazing.

Then I moved.

I had been uprooted and now lived in a place that always had noise and thousands of people.  I went to a school where I wouldn't be able to know everybody's name (though I sure tried over the years) just through sheer dint of numbers.  

Being as it was January, everyone knew everyone and was totally comfortable. I wasn't. Coming from a small, middle of nowhere town was rather hard for me. The Commons were a constant struggle just because I did not want to be rude at all and perchance offend somebody (don't worry I got over that worry). And to make matters more difficult, I had that issue almost every person that moves in to a new place has.  

Making new friends was hard. 
 It took me about two months to really make a few friends (Thank you band) that I would hang out with at school. Before that point I went to classes, felt embarrassed I knew the answer to every question {small classes move through material faster than big classes}, ate lunch ALONE in the cafeteria, then watched the chess club play chess. After which I'd go back to sitting in the corner in class.

What does any of this have to do with me smiling? It made me appreciate the power of a smile. People say that a smile can really make a person's day. Fact is, the saying is true. I made it a specific goal in my life to help others smile. What has it gotten me? Well it has turned my smile.... 
 into a...

 Smile    of     HAPPINESS


The End!

Okay, you caught me. That was not in fact the end of the post. But I rather had you fearful of the end for maybe two seconds right?  

 Today, I will type of a concept that has seriously been nagging in the back of my mind for the past month. 

The subject at hand? Just the word popular. 


regarded with favor, approval, or affection by people in general: a popular preacher.
regarded with favor, approval, or affection by an acquaintance or acquaintances: He's not very popular with me just now.

You may be more than a tad quizzical as to why this word has been irking my psyche. Honestly, it's something I never wanted to be. Everyone knows the popular people are complete snots that spend their hours attempting to contemplate a new routine of crushing and attacking anyone and everyone. 

Coming from a rural area, I never saw one of these stereotypical popular persons. Everyone was (more or less) friends with everyone. Sure there were a few declared blood feuds, but EVERYONE was civil, if not outright kind. We all knew that only city kids could possibly be so mean to one another.

Why all the seemingly random backstory? Well... recently one of my I have been accused of being popular.The sad part? I think it might be true. This past year I've been hearing all about it. I''ve had people "hear that [I'm] good at back massages" or other such knowledge about me. Apparently I am spoken of fairly often. How do I know this? Well just the other day I met a girl who knew of me. Weird stuff. NOW it's the end!