About Me

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I come from a small town, enjoy laughing and being the weird one to help others smile. We should hang out sometime.

Monday, July 17, 2017

I inhale you in small doses and adore you like the roses, but you're bad for me.

Monday, July 10, 2017

What is emotion? Why do we have it? What possible benefit does it offer us? The Flame and the Void would be a balm to existence, yet they elude me. I'm tired of feeling. I just want to feel nothing.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

In all honesty, I feel way less stressed in this warzone than I did back in the States. Out here I don't worry about bills. I don't worry about finding a date. I don't worry about what people think of me. I don't worry about hardly anything. There can be explosions nearby and I only care because I'll be inconvenienced to go and put on my kit. Gunfire is commonplace, more easily ignored than the sound of street racers.

Nothing has any meaning.

My biggest source of stress and pain is the fact that I'm trying to hold on to a memory. I should just let it die.

I hurt myself far more than you hurt me.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

A letter

Dear Girl Who Walked Away,

It's not like you weren't aware of what you were getting yourself into. He told you he was nice. He trusted easily and gave you all he could when he could.

The nice guy believes in doing things right. He was there when you needed him to be, and he went out of his way to make sure you knew just how much you could mean to someone.

We live in a generation where we all have to wear masks and play parts to make it through the battlefield of dating in the 21st century. There is no such thing as giving it your all.

We like quotes on Facebook and post things on Instagram stating we want the masochist one day and the romantic the next. We play these games where being available can only happen sometimes, and playing hard-to-get must be our number one priority. Why?

I thought the ultimate goal was to eventually settle down. I mean, what is the point of dating if you have no desire for it to go anywhere? If a one-night stand is what you're looking for, leave the good guys alone and toy within the levels you lay down.

Save yourself time and energy because the good guy isn't going to make it easy to just walk away. The good guy cares, so he'll get his explanation from you even though he knows it'll be a load of bull.

Every girl says she likes the asshole because he's the challenge — the one she must break, train and force to be more than just a douchebag. Have you ever thought, however, maybe you were the girl in need of learning what it means to actually feel again?

You went through something, like we all do, and because of it you changed. It's normal and heartbreak happens, but the next assh*le didn't fix what the first one did; he kept it the same or made it worse. His priority was not you and couldn't be you. So now you're bitter and closed off from anything remotely more satisfying than a one-night stand.

I won't deny that the asshole is fun or that a good time isn't promised with him, but when it's all said and done, is it ever more than just a good time? Probably not.

In fact, the asshole has a charm about him; it's the charm you justify your pursuit with. You say, “There's just something about him.” However, it’s probably the same quality that ended up hurting you in the past.

So you tried to push the nice guy away. When he wouldn't go away, you pushed harder. Still, he didn't give up and every time you pushed harder, he pulled you in even more.

He ignored your fears and forced you to grow; he fought for your passions when you were too busy writing them off. He forgot your wants and focused on everything you needed. Then you walked away because he was too nice.

He gave you too much of everything you wanted, and life got too easy. You wanted conflict and hardship as if everything else in life did not promise you an endless journey of just that. This is where you failed.

The nice guy has been hurt, too, he just chose to stay nice. He learned that different people were going to provide him different things in life. The nice guy also chose not to let any of it change who he was.

So, he let you walk away and he called it a day. Everyone always says there are plenty of fish in the sea, and he let you go knowing this, even though it hurt.

What you don't know is that someone else is out there, and she won't be as foolish you. When you realize all you really want is the nice guy who cares about you too much, it's going to be too late. Some other girl will be able to see how great he is, and she won’t waste a minute.

So you lost your Ted Mosby and, I promise, to him you were Robin. The nice guys are there to give you a break, a light to something more than the games we identify our generation with.

He may have loved you too soon and it was too crazy and too much, but guys like Mosby don't happen every day; they happen never. He got you the blue French horn, and he made you feel love when love was no longer a part of your vocabulary. You were now saying “I love you” again and remembering what it felt like.

He was the guy you were supposed to end up with, who makes everything change. I just wish you'd see it before another girl does because at the end of the day, everyone, including the nice guy you hurt, is rooting only for you.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

I dream about you and it still hurts. My heart stops and rushes at the same time.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Monday, May 22, 2017

I can't help but wonder who will leave me next. We've already lost one guy from the platoon. It was sudden. I guess everybody leaving is always sudden, that's life. Life is pain, anybody who says otherwise is selling something. Sometimes I feel the stars and moon, the sunrises and sunsets are all I have left. I mean memes have pretty much stopped making me smile. I only chuckle a little bit on the inside on especially funny ones. All the rest I just don't find funny anymore. I guess I'm depressed. Hopefully most everyone else doesn't know it, I couldn't stand the pity or the "go out and fuck some hoe and get over her" 'advice'. She's the one. She's the one and I fucked it up. She says she needs to find her. That's always been the "I pity you and don't want you but I want you to think you have a hope rather than kill yourself" excuse. She gave me hope so She wouldn't blame herself for me dying out here. She sure as hell doesn't want me, I don't know why I ever dreamed otherwise. She's wrong though. I wouldn't kill myself. Me dying like that would be too much of a bother. If I die it's because I get the chance to throw it away for somebody else.  Derek knows it, but he knows me best out of everyone here. Ruben probably does. He saw me break down when it happened. He saw the pile of self loathing torment I am. I'm afraid to laugh. I'm afraid to feel. I'm afraid to dream. I'm afraid to hope. Life is pain.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

I'm not over you. I won't be over you.

Every night I look up at the stars and miss you. Do you see them? Do you remember our stolen kisses in the moonlight? I watch the sun rise and I watch the sun set, yet all I see is you. Through the long hours of the night I think of you, of how you complete me. My sleep is filled with your laugh and how sweet you are in my arms. My heart is sick for you.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

One of those stones

Weather-bitten and scarred by life
Embittered and surrounded by temptation
Like behind bars, always the same
Each of my steps caused a problem
Nights passed in heinous fashion
Almost drowned in an ocean of shit
No-one ever picked me up, I lacked maturity
Some stones just need some polishing
Then you happened by, had your compass at your side
You saw that this one stone was special
You picked it up and you didn't toss it into the sea
You gave it a big, warm place in your heart
 
Do you recall the place, where I have waited for you?
Side by side with the other stones there I lay
I was cold, homeless and alone
Before you came, I was just one of those stones
I was covered by the dust, before you found me
You set me in motion, you brought me a new momentum
I was cold, I was petrified and alone
Before you came, I was just one of those stones
Homeless and alone, just one of those stones
Do you recall the place, at which I waited for you?
 
You build me up, you lie next to me
With you I can talk about anything
Or just without words simply gesticulate
Back in the days, I was sure I'd never have it figured out
You led me down new paths
For the first time I felt alive
I also know that not everyone gets this lucky
I will not go places no more, I am only here because of you
You happened by, had your compass at your side
You saw that this one stone was special
You picked it up and you did not toss it into the sea
You gave it a big, warm place in your heart
 
Do you recall the place, where I have waited for you?
Side by side with the other stones there I lay
I was cold, homeless and alone
Before you came I was just one of those stones
I was covered by the dust, before you found me
You set me in motion, you brought me a new momentum
I was cold, I was petrified and alone
Before you came and took me with you
No one else could've brought me to salvation
The way you did, in that you came
And took me with you
I was cold, I was petrified and alone
Before you came, I was just one of those stones
Homeless and alone, just one of those stones