I can't help but wonder who will leave me next. We've already lost one guy from the platoon. It was sudden. I guess everybody leaving is always sudden, that's life. Life is pain, anybody who says otherwise is selling something. Sometimes I feel the stars and moon, the sunrises and sunsets are all I have left. I mean memes have pretty much stopped making me smile. I only chuckle a little bit on the inside on especially funny ones. All the rest I just don't find funny anymore. I guess I'm depressed. Hopefully most everyone else doesn't know it, I couldn't stand the pity or the "go out and fuck some hoe and get over her" 'advice'. She's the one. She's the one and I fucked it up. She says she needs to find her. That's always been the "I pity you and don't want you but I want you to think you have a hope rather than kill yourself" excuse. She gave me hope so She wouldn't blame herself for me dying out here. She sure as hell doesn't want me, I don't know why I ever dreamed otherwise. She's wrong though. I wouldn't kill myself. Me dying like that would be too much of a bother. If I die it's because I get the chance to throw it away for somebody else. Derek knows it, but he knows me best out of everyone here. Ruben probably does. He saw me break down when it happened. He saw the pile of self loathing torment I am. I'm afraid to laugh. I'm afraid to feel. I'm afraid to dream. I'm afraid to hope. Life is pain.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
I'm not over you. I won't be over you.
Every night I look up at the stars and miss you. Do you see them? Do you remember our stolen kisses in the moonlight? I watch the sun rise and I watch the sun set, yet all I see is you. Through the long hours of the night I think of you, of how you complete me. My sleep is filled with your laugh and how sweet you are in my arms. My heart is sick for you.