About Me

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I come from a small town, enjoy laughing and being the weird one to help others smile. We should hang out sometime.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

A letter

Dear Girl Who Walked Away,

It's not like you weren't aware of what you were getting yourself into. He told you he was nice. He trusted easily and gave you all he could when he could.

The nice guy believes in doing things right. He was there when you needed him to be, and he went out of his way to make sure you knew just how much you could mean to someone.

We live in a generation where we all have to wear masks and play parts to make it through the battlefield of dating in the 21st century. There is no such thing as giving it your all.

We like quotes on Facebook and post things on Instagram stating we want the masochist one day and the romantic the next. We play these games where being available can only happen sometimes, and playing hard-to-get must be our number one priority. Why?

I thought the ultimate goal was to eventually settle down. I mean, what is the point of dating if you have no desire for it to go anywhere? If a one-night stand is what you're looking for, leave the good guys alone and toy within the levels you lay down.

Save yourself time and energy because the good guy isn't going to make it easy to just walk away. The good guy cares, so he'll get his explanation from you even though he knows it'll be a load of bull.

Every girl says she likes the asshole because he's the challenge — the one she must break, train and force to be more than just a douchebag. Have you ever thought, however, maybe you were the girl in need of learning what it means to actually feel again?

You went through something, like we all do, and because of it you changed. It's normal and heartbreak happens, but the next assh*le didn't fix what the first one did; he kept it the same or made it worse. His priority was not you and couldn't be you. So now you're bitter and closed off from anything remotely more satisfying than a one-night stand.

I won't deny that the asshole is fun or that a good time isn't promised with him, but when it's all said and done, is it ever more than just a good time? Probably not.

In fact, the asshole has a charm about him; it's the charm you justify your pursuit with. You say, “There's just something about him.” However, it’s probably the same quality that ended up hurting you in the past.

So you tried to push the nice guy away. When he wouldn't go away, you pushed harder. Still, he didn't give up and every time you pushed harder, he pulled you in even more.

He ignored your fears and forced you to grow; he fought for your passions when you were too busy writing them off. He forgot your wants and focused on everything you needed. Then you walked away because he was too nice.

He gave you too much of everything you wanted, and life got too easy. You wanted conflict and hardship as if everything else in life did not promise you an endless journey of just that. This is where you failed.

The nice guy has been hurt, too, he just chose to stay nice. He learned that different people were going to provide him different things in life. The nice guy also chose not to let any of it change who he was.

So, he let you walk away and he called it a day. Everyone always says there are plenty of fish in the sea, and he let you go knowing this, even though it hurt.

What you don't know is that someone else is out there, and she won't be as foolish you. When you realize all you really want is the nice guy who cares about you too much, it's going to be too late. Some other girl will be able to see how great he is, and she won’t waste a minute.

So you lost your Ted Mosby and, I promise, to him you were Robin. The nice guys are there to give you a break, a light to something more than the games we identify our generation with.

He may have loved you too soon and it was too crazy and too much, but guys like Mosby don't happen every day; they happen never. He got you the blue French horn, and he made you feel love when love was no longer a part of your vocabulary. You were now saying “I love you” again and remembering what it felt like.

He was the guy you were supposed to end up with, who makes everything change. I just wish you'd see it before another girl does because at the end of the day, everyone, including the nice guy you hurt, is rooting only for you.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

I dream about you and it still hurts. My heart stops and rushes at the same time.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Monday, May 22, 2017

I can't help but wonder who will leave me next. We've already lost one guy from the platoon. It was sudden. I guess everybody leaving is always sudden, that's life. Life is pain, anybody who says otherwise is selling something. Sometimes I feel the stars and moon, the sunrises and sunsets are all I have left. I mean memes have pretty much stopped making me smile. I only chuckle a little bit on the inside on especially funny ones. All the rest I just don't find funny anymore. I guess I'm depressed. Hopefully most everyone else doesn't know it, I couldn't stand the pity or the "go out and fuck some hoe and get over her" 'advice'. She's the one. She's the one and I fucked it up. She says she needs to find her. That's always been the "I pity you and don't want you but I want you to think you have a hope rather than kill yourself" excuse. She gave me hope so She wouldn't blame herself for me dying out here. She sure as hell doesn't want me, I don't know why I ever dreamed otherwise. She's wrong though. I wouldn't kill myself. Me dying like that would be too much of a bother. If I die it's because I get the chance to throw it away for somebody else.  Derek knows it, but he knows me best out of everyone here. Ruben probably does. He saw me break down when it happened. He saw the pile of self loathing torment I am. I'm afraid to laugh. I'm afraid to feel. I'm afraid to dream. I'm afraid to hope. Life is pain.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

I'm not over you. I won't be over you.

Every night I look up at the stars and miss you. Do you see them? Do you remember our stolen kisses in the moonlight? I watch the sun rise and I watch the sun set, yet all I see is you. Through the long hours of the night I think of you, of how you complete me. My sleep is filled with your laugh and how sweet you are in my arms. My heart is sick for you.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

One of those stones

Weather-bitten and scarred by life
Embittered and surrounded by temptation
Like behind bars, always the same
Each of my steps caused a problem
Nights passed in heinous fashion
Almost drowned in an ocean of shit
No-one ever picked me up, I lacked maturity
Some stones just need some polishing
Then you happened by, had your compass at your side
You saw that this one stone was special
You picked it up and you didn't toss it into the sea
You gave it a big, warm place in your heart
 
Do you recall the place, where I have waited for you?
Side by side with the other stones there I lay
I was cold, homeless and alone
Before you came, I was just one of those stones
I was covered by the dust, before you found me
You set me in motion, you brought me a new momentum
I was cold, I was petrified and alone
Before you came, I was just one of those stones
Homeless and alone, just one of those stones
Do you recall the place, at which I waited for you?
 
You build me up, you lie next to me
With you I can talk about anything
Or just without words simply gesticulate
Back in the days, I was sure I'd never have it figured out
You led me down new paths
For the first time I felt alive
I also know that not everyone gets this lucky
I will not go places no more, I am only here because of you
You happened by, had your compass at your side
You saw that this one stone was special
You picked it up and you did not toss it into the sea
You gave it a big, warm place in your heart
 
Do you recall the place, where I have waited for you?
Side by side with the other stones there I lay
I was cold, homeless and alone
Before you came I was just one of those stones
I was covered by the dust, before you found me
You set me in motion, you brought me a new momentum
I was cold, I was petrified and alone
Before you came and took me with you
No one else could've brought me to salvation
The way you did, in that you came
And took me with you
I was cold, I was petrified and alone
Before you came, I was just one of those stones
Homeless and alone, just one of those stones

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

I saw you in the smoke of ages, you danced and twirled before my eyes. You laughed and smiled at me, but then, just as in life, you were gone. 

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Rationally I'm done wasting emotion on you. Hoping that each time I come back from a mission you'll have messaged me. When has love ever been rational?

Friday, April 28, 2017

I saw forever in her eyes
Tasted eternity in her kiss
My belly home to butterflies
It's her I truly miss

Her arms are home
Her laugh the sweetest melody
The most loved goddess of Rome
Her name, my threnody

Alone, I now wander
Damned to ponder
The heart grows fonder
Her love I did squander

Left to my thoughts
Self loathing
Animus rots
Solace brought by no thing

Telling constant lies
"I'm fine." "Everthing's okay"
I'll rest and never rise
Not this day

She feeds me false hope
Dares me dream of tomorrow
Wants me to cope
All I feel is sorrow

Death would be such a sweet release
No more feeling
Eternal peace
Emptiness so appealing

I am but a husk, hollow
Why continue on?
A bullet to swallow
All that is good is gone

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The more I see and experience in life, the more I realize that there are those who will always be there for you, who always want to see you happy. Thankful for mine.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Why do they always attack when I'm trying to sleep? You'd figure they'd attack when everybody else was asleep, but noooooo they Wait for them to be well rested. Fuck them. Sleep is one of few joys left to me.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

SI TÚ ME OLVIDAS

QuIERO que sepas
una cosa.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja 
del lento otoño en mi ventana, 
si toco
junto al fuego 
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña, 
todo me lleva a ti, 
como si todo lo que existe, 
aromas, luz, metales, 
fueran pequeños barcos que navegan 
hacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

Ahora bien, 
si poco a poco dejas de quererme
dejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Si de pronto
me olvidas
no me busques,
que ya te habré olvidado.

Si consideras largo y loco 
el viento de banderas 
que pasa por mi vida 
y te decides
a dejarme a la orilla
del corazón en que tengo raíces,
piensa
que en ese día,
a esa hora
levantaré los brazos
y saldrán mis raíces
a buscar otra tierra.

Pero
si cada día, 
cada hora
sientes que a mí estás destinada 
con dulzura implacable.
Si cada día sube 
una flor a tus labios a buscarme, 
ay amor mío, ay mía, 
en mí todo ese fuego se repite, 
en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida, 
mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada, 
y mientras vivas estará en tus brazos 
sin salir de los míos.

Reading is my escape. Even this can't distract my heart.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Growing up love seemed so clean, so pure. It was idyllic in its simpleness.  It isn't. Love is hardly ever not messy. It comes out of nowhere and leaves you lost and confused and hopeful and scared. Yet still, love makes the sky more blue, food taste better, it fills life with clarity. It has ups and downs and it's a lot of work. People do stupid things because of love.

Why am I like this? Why can't I just like myself and believe in myself and be self confident?

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Never in my life have I ever felt such constant emotion. Early on in life I learned self discipline, to not be ruled by my base self. As of recent, though, emotion rules. Is anxiety an emotion? Or is it a state of mind? I know not, just that when it hits it hits hard. I overthink constantly. It's hard not to when I've so much time stagnant.

Still, my heart soars. I feel full and complete. Life is good.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I'm going to kill some men. How dare they try what they did.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

I ache inside. I don't know why I'm so surprised, but still I am. My heart keeps stuttering like I'm waking up from a nightmare but I'm living it. Time drags

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Hollow

Hollow.

I am past despair. I am past the hours of hot tears streaming down my face. I am alone. I am empty. I am filled with grief. I can't breathe. Iron shackles bind me. I'm drowning in my anguish. I am calm. I am hopeless. I am the withered husk of what could have been.

I am hollow.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

I love you, completely. I look at you and know I can't deny you anything. You want my heart? You already have it. You want my attention? It never left you. You want my blanket I've kept since I was 12? All yours. I just can't help these thoughts that you feel the same. It's probably the fact that I've been used and let down so much in the past that keeps me from believing I could ever have anything so great as you. Bourne doesn't get nice things. Bourne doesn't deserve nice things.


     How could you ever be happy with me? What can I ever give to you that you couldn't get better from someone else? When am I going to feel that sweet, familiar burning in my chest when you tell me you just don't feel it anymore? When am I going to put on my smile and tell you it's alright, I understand. When am I going to watch you walk away, like everyone else in my life? When will I be alone again? When will my dreams of a future fade away into painful memory? I love you.

PULVIS ET UMBRA SUMUS