I love my life

OH EM GEE!! I miss watching Powerpuff Girls....

I like life
Life likes me
Life and I fairly fully agree
Life is fine
Life is good
'Specially mine, which is just as it should be
I like pouring the wine and why not?
Life's a pleasure that I deny not

I like life
Here and now
Life and I made a mutual vow
'Till I die
Life and I
We'll both try to be better somehow
And if life were a woman
She would be my wife

One day, I will be able to sing like this. Moving on....

I like LOVE my life. Not too long ago I found myself so full of spite for the world. Then I took some time in my life to just think on and ponder the scriptures. Pondering led to revelations. Revelation led to action. Action led to happiness. (If you just imagined a short, green creature you win.[TGIT])

I have such amazing people in my life. I am so glad I have been so richly blessed in friends. They all just do so much for me all the time, mostly they do it without knowing. I probably bore you with how much I talk about how great my friends are, but they really are that great and they mean so much to me. I'm pretty sure if I didn't have them I'd.... cry in a corner before becoming a super villain. Okay. You caught me. I'd just cry in corners a lot.

 See that over there? --->

That's part of the reason my friends are so awesome. Not because they willingly would dress up as zombies, but that they feel comfortable doing it(or would if given the chance). I'm sure you are wondering why I have a picture of me all living-impaired.... well to be honest... it was for a birthday party. Yeah. Even more? The party was for a girl. Epic.

DISCLAIMER:Photos were taken after hours and hours of partying and sweet running, so the makeup is much diminished.

We all were turned into denizens of the undead by her mother, who happens to be a professional make-up artist for movies and such. Then we left for Nightmare on 13th in Salt Lake City. Did I mention we stopped at the Maverik by the University Mall? Well now I did, and the time in the gas station was awesome. At the haunted house, I actually was frightened out of my wits several times. They even had a train blast me in the face. I almost died from fright. It made my night. I'm pretty sure the people I was around hated me because I tended to scare them more than the house... Oh. I may or may not have slapped somebody across the face... We also got into a party. And that party was dead... like the attendants were dead, but the party was dead to. With sixteen in our group, this one photographer guy had a hey day taking pictures and making it seem like there were more people than there really was. Gotta love perception.

So pretty much my time was over after the zombie birthday party? Wrong. I went running from Indian Hills down to BYU campus. Whenever I saw some people coming my way I quickly switched to my limp armed shamble, complete with moaning. It totally freaked out 75% of all zoobies encountered. Now I'm sure you are attempting to postulate as to my purpose, and I assure you I had a purpose. To visit my cousin. Now she, my cousin, is the one cousin of mine who is of an age with me and also one who I have met. She lives in Helaman Halls. I had no idea which dormitories were those so I had to stop and ask random people directions. They'll be talking about me for about a week I'm sure. Eventually I found my way to Hinckley Hall and my cousin. She wasn't really surprised, but when she explained I was her cousin, people who knew her just said it made sense. That was rather humorous. Basically I sat and chatted with her for about twenty minutes in the lobby of the Hall... getting random stares every second of it.

That... that's a.... a... tumor! Yeah!! That's part of my zombie costume.

Eventually I bade her good night and set off loping away. Now you have never seen me in my mile-devouring stride. I pretty much flow across the land as a wraith might. Where was I headed now? To the home of another friend. Why? They were partying it up as well. That's when I stood on a street corner (9th East and Center to be precise) and flaunted my undead limbs. I got picked up. (So I've noticed this weird pattern in my life. When I stand on a corner and stick my leg out seductive-like I get picked up by people and we have tons of fun) What's more? I got picked up by a man in a Kilt and boots. Oh yeah. With a German-made pimpmobile. Returning to his home I walked in. There, another one of my friends was having a psychological battle. She is morbidly afraid of the ambulatory deceased. She enjoys my company. But here I was, some familiar monster that may have eaten her. To make her battle better I plopped down on the couch next to her. Do you know what she did?  

 

SHE TOOK OFF HER COWBOY BOOT AND BRANDISHED IT AT ME! Luckily, I calmly reached for an extremely crunchy salt and vinegar chip. Everybody else in the room was having a ball. They didn't have their greatest fear sitting next to them and they DEFINITELY did not have a woman aiming a cowboy boot at them. As it was getting to be close to one in the morning the girls all decided they had best be getting to sleep for work and such, so they all began filing out and saying goodbyes. I almost didn't get a hug from the friend. It resulted in a staredown and me saying,  

"If you don't give me a hug I will definitely give you nightmares."

She complied after about another minute. They all left and began getting into the pimpmobile. I decided it was time to stagger out there and terrify the friend. It was so frightening that I won't even attempt to report the incident. After the Scotsman returned, we watched Shaun of the Dead. What might we do after laughing that much? We got Mexican food of course.

Ethnic food at three in the morning? Surely you must be kidding Zombie Man! No, no I was not. There is this delectable Mexican Restaurant named Comalitos. When you walk in, the prices may seem rather high, but they really aren't. What I got, a number sixteen. A chicken Chimichanga with rice and refried beans. $7.50. The Chicken chimi is always a foot long, and as thick as my fist. Oh, and I almost forgot. We were basically the setup for a joke. 

A male nurse, a Scotsman, and a zombie walk into a Mexican restaurant....  

I got home somewhere near four thirty. I didn't really pay attention. You know why? 

HOMEMADE SUSHI!!!

ISOHAPPEE2HAZSUSHI

Yes. Right as I walked in the door way I saw sushi and ate some, even before I bothered to turn on a light. Seaweed? Delicious. The fact that my twelve year old sister rolled it made it so much better. The only thing I really wanted that was not there: Eel Sauce. I rinsed off in the shower and did not even begin to tame my wildly back-combed hair. When did this not so little boy crawl into his comfortable bed? Five A.M. on the dot. 

Oh look... make-up I missed...

 

   I LOVE MY LIFE!!! You make my life phantasmagorical. Thank you!!

Brains?

Today.... I woke up at six in the morning to make sure my sister were up and prepared for school.  To do this I had to morph into.....

MISTER MOM!!!

Yes, I did just name myself that. I roused the troops, sent them to their morning ablutions and began preparing their fajitas (no pansy cereal for my girls). Soon we were all munching happily on food and ready for school. It was hardly 6:45. Their pick-up times were 8:05 and 8:40. What did we do? We did what any normal family does and partied around while watching/listening to Youtube videos.

After seeing the littlest one off, I watched Invader Zim with the twelve year old. Soon enough it was time for me to escort her off to her new bus stop. Arriving on time (that is to say early) I we had about six minutes before the bus was due to arrive. It was then that I had an epiphany. Why not teach my sibling to count to ten in like five languages? That'd be impressive and should spark some love for language. So far she has 1-3 in English, Spanish, French, Japanese, and almost in Navajo. Pretty impressive I must admit, I mean we're just so full of brains!

Now to speak of my dream I had last night. I believe it was a sign to start this blog post... It was about... the living dead. 

I stood alone, twas midday on Timpview's soccer field. Coming from all directions were those Solanum infected brutes. The zombies. Reaching above my shoulders with both hands, I drew my dual katanas. I dashed to and fro, decapitating all those infected that unknowingly lurched toward certain (re)death. Hearing cries for help from the band room, I rushed Northward. Upon reaching the loading dock I saw a veritable horde attempting to reach the tender morsels above. Not stopping to ponder the situation I sliced in and diced out. Seeing a friend weaponless, I tossed one sword up and whipped out my trusty hatchet. Braining the undead with my left hand and decapitating with my right, I annihilated the threat to my friends. Just then my family pulled up in a pickup. I doubt I will be soon to forget the sight. In the bed of the truck were my two sisters with .22 rifles and amongst a veritable stockpile of goods. Riding shotgun, was my father who lived up to the name of the seat by wielding the 870 Remington shotgun. Driving was my mother. I vaulted into the back and we were off. I had a sudden Legend of Zelda moment. Sitting there and beckoning to me, was a crate. Hurriedly I flipped the top open to see what it could possibly be. It was.... the MASTERKEY.

 Perhaps the greatest anti-zombie weapon I could ask for. A shotgun mounted on an assault rifle. Can we say driving through town was wonderful target practice? Not to mention that my mother was putting to effective use a 9mm Browning while driving. 

I rather enjoyed this dream.... and I hope you did as well! 

 

Updating my life and Zombies

Well hello there my never present and unfaithful readers!!! What do I have in store for you in this post? Fantastic renderings of bacon? Prepubescent samurai anomalies? Accounts of pulchritudinous women so amazing that just looking at them causes normal brain function to stutter to a stop? Well sadly I'll only focus on one of these things....

Not Jacob Black

Jacob Black

 THOUGH THERE ARE MARKED SIMILARITIES BETWEEN ME AND "JACOB BLACK" I AM MY OWN SEPARATE ENTITY.

 Big scary almost rant aside, I will admit to some startling semblances between us. 

1. We both are ridiculously good looking
2. We both have hordes of adoring fans
3. We both are personal space heaters 
4. We both have huge muscles (My legs anyone?)
5. We both have cute hair 
6. I have a cute smile

What makes me bring this up? No reason. I just felt like posting about this delicious piece of man meat. 

 

 

 

Recently I have begun to become good ( I sincerely hope I'm not being TOO presumptuous in this regard) friends with a couple of girls that I can literally laugh away the hours with. Now these people shall remain anonymous for their safety. But partying up a storm with these two has been a painful process. HOW? 

 

         A certain one of them has a pointed fascination with my shoelaces and continually attempts to steal them. Both enjoy using me for my wonderful hands. They had heard rumors floating about that I am ridiculously good with massages. I know not how that particular set of rumors had gotten out but whoever started that, I have to say thank you. 

Massaging demanding women has its advantages. These ever so greatful women made my night so wonderful. One massaged my legs while the other doted upon me. Then the amazing one who massaged my legs made pudding. PUDDING!! GELATINOUS DELICIOUSNESS IN A BOWL!! And we all watched "When in Rome" together on a very comfortable couch.

And on the following day one of the girls and I just went up to a park and just talked. It was really crazy that I could talk so much. I really haven't been all that outgoing recently and thats probably why I've been boring them all to tears. 

 

 

 

I LOVE DESSERT!!! It is so delicious and a perfect time to just sit around and enjoy your fantabulous company.

I truly realize I have been lacking in my promise to incorporate zombies into my post. In closing I'd like to leave you with the top ten lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack.

 

1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don't need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

Zombieland

Once upon a time I watched a show called Zombieland, but this show made me think...  and from the painstaking process of thinking I thought of this: Why is everyone so unprepared?! Did we not see this coming?! Are there not hundreds of zombie movies and books warning us of the apocalypse?! (My favorite of which is zombiesurvivalwiki.com ) I decided that this is an urgent matter that needs discussed immediately so your brains don’t get chewed out.


Now I know that the popular culture is into vampires slash Twilight. But zombies are much better. And just saying, Twilight sucks. (Does anybody else remember how everybody was/is obsessed with me "being?" Jacob Black?) Zombies and vampires both have some things in common though so I think a compare and contrast is in order.


-Both want a relationship with humans.
(Vampires want to fall in love and Zombies are in love with your vital organs)
-Both are hungry.
(Vampires want a sip from your neck with the exception of Twilight, and Zombies prefer brain soup)
-Both have a unique fashion sense.
(Vampires have dandruff of glitter and capes, Zombies have various limbs missing and blood stained clothes)
-And lastly both are at the forefront of media today
(Vampires are preteen crushes and Zombies are in the action slash horror genre)


Now all you vampire people, grow up, get real. Zombies are for realz [4 srs guyz] and more likely to eat you. Vampires just drown you in glitter; you can get the same thing at a gay pride parade. Now, time to talk seriously on how to survive, and facts you may not know about zombies.


How to spot a zombie:
-Grey slash pale skin
-Wound that doesn’t stop bleeding
-Visual signs of decay
-Smells horrid
-“Empty” eyes
-And lastly the mindless moaning and groaning of the living dead
(Also please note: If anyone you know starts biting you or ripping your flesh, this is also a vital indication of the undead. Best to kill them and ask questions later)


Speed of a zombie:
-There are two speeds for zombies (much like those old lawn mowers that have the speed of ‘turtle’ and ‘rabbit’)
+Turtle speed- zombie is traveling at a slow ‘shamble’, in other words if you walk at a normal slash fast pace you can out walk them
+Rabbit speed- zombie is pumped full of adrenaline, aka supa fast! My best tip on this one is to run faster than humanly possible


How to treat the infected:
- Homeopathic remedies
+There are none.
+ But homeopathic means natural, so a natural way to treat infected would be the injuring of the brain via rock, stick, or large mammal.
- There is no cure. Plain. Simple.


How to kill a zombie:
-Destroy the brain or remove the head


What to do if your friend is infected:
- Take no chances, kill them immediately and dispose of the body away from your hideout
- Be sure to cut all emotional ties beforehand so that this is not a painful process
FOR EXAMPLE: 
If my one of best friends, lets say Jaron Harris, becomes a zombie. Even though he means more than most girls to me, I would be forced to view him no longer as my friend, but as a creature wanting to eat my raw, bloody flesh (Side note: This would be a very noticeable change in his character because he is usually a rather shy, bashful guy and that's just against his nature). So I would have to destroy his lovely brain. (I would most likely use a chainsaw because I would want to make his death as epic as possible) 


{If you click on Jaron's name you will see his Facebook page and realize what a hunk he is. If you need a date, he is certainly available}


What to do if you’re infected:
-Gather useful tools and weapons and give them to other survivors
-Dispatch yourself
   = You may decide to go out in a blaze of glory attempting to take as many zombies with you as possible. Please make sure you can go through with this and destroy your own brain in the process.

Safest spot:
- High ground with land for farming and source of clean water.
-Be sure to have an escape route


Optimal weapons:
-Melee weapons (these are the most efficient due to the fact that they will not run out of ammo) *take precautions- zombie splatter could infect you*
+Katana- most efficient killing tool
+Shaolin Spade- Pole arm works as weapon and shovel
+Crowbar- heavy and blunt, good for brain smashing, also efficient for opening stuff
+Other blunt objects such as bats, guitars, croquet sticks are also useful
-Firearms (Accuracy > Rate of fire)
+Bolt-action and semi-automatic are ideal
+ High caliber machine guns are also handy on the occasional killing spree

  If you want to learn more read 

"The Zombie Survival Guide"

I will gladly loan it out if you only hang out with me *wink wink*

Also watching the movie Zombieland may give you some more helpful rules of survival. 


Now, I hope everyone is educated enough to now defend themselves against a zombie uprising. And with that I leave you with this:


Little Rock: [playing Monopoly] Oh, free parking.
Wichita: Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about Zombieland.
Columbus: No, the best thing about Z-land, no Facebook status updates. You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." Who cares?
Tallahassee: The best thing is no more flushing. Epic.