Goodbye. I'll miss you.

I can't help but wonder who will leave me next. We've already lost one guy from the platoon. It was sudden. I guess everybody leaving is always sudden, that's life. Life is pain, anybody who says otherwise is selling something. Sometimes I feel the stars and moon, the sunrises and sunsets are all I have left. I mean memes have pretty much stopped making me smile. I only chuckle a little bit on the inside on especially funny ones. All the rest I just don't find funny anymore. I guess I'm depressed. Hopefully most everyone else doesn't know it, I couldn't stand the pity or the "go out and fuck some hoe and get over her" 'advice'. She's the one. She's the one and I fucked it up. She says she needs to find her. That's always been the "I pity you and don't want you but I want you to think you have a hope rather than kill yourself" excuse. She gave me hope so She wouldn't blame herself for me dying out here. She sure as hell doesn't want me, I don't know why I ever dreamed otherwise. She's wrong though. I wouldn't kill myself. Me dying like that would be too much of a bother. If I die it's because I get the chance to throw it away for somebody else.  Derek knows it, but he knows me best out of everyone here. Ruben probably does. He saw me break down when it happened. He saw the pile of self loathing torment I am. I'm afraid to laugh. I'm afraid to feel. I'm afraid to dream. I'm afraid to hope. Life is pain.

I'm not over you. I won't be over you.

Every night I look up at the stars and miss you. Do you see them? Do you remember our stolen kisses in the moonlight? I watch the sun rise and I watch the sun set, yet all I see is you. Through the long hours of the night I think of you, of how you complete me. My sleep is filled with your laugh and how sweet you are in my arms. My heart is sick for you.

One of those stones

Weather-bitten and scarred by life

Embittered and surrounded by temptation

Like behind bars, always the same

Each of my steps caused a problem

Nights passed in heinous fashion

Almost drowned in an ocean of shit

No-one ever picked me up, I lacked maturity

Some stones just need some polishing

Then you happened by, had your compass at your side

You saw that this one stone was special

You picked it up and you didn't toss it into the sea

You gave it a big, warm place in your heart

 

Do you recall the place, where I have waited for you?

Side by side with the other stones there I lay

I was cold, homeless and alone

Before you came, I was just one of those stones

I was covered by the dust, before you found me

You set me in motion, you brought me a new momentum

I was cold, I was petrified and alone

Before you came, I was just one of those stones

Homeless and alone, just one of those stones

Do you recall the place, at which I waited for you?

 

You build me up, you lie next to me

With you I can talk about anything

Or just without words simply gesticulate

Back in the days, I was sure I'd never have it figured out

You led me down new paths

For the first time I felt alive

I also know that not everyone gets this lucky

I will not go places no more, I am only here because of you

You happened by, had your compass at your side

You saw that this one stone was special

You picked it up and you did not toss it into the sea

You gave it a big, warm place in your heart

 

Do you recall the place, where I have waited for you?

Side by side with the other stones there I lay

I was cold, homeless and alone

Before you came I was just one of those stones

I was covered by the dust, before you found me

You set me in motion, you brought me a new momentum

I was cold, I was petrified and alone

Before you came and took me with you

No one else could've brought me to salvation

The way you did, in that you came

And took me with you

I was cold, I was petrified and alone

Before you came, I was just one of those stones

Homeless and alone, just one of those stones

I saw you in the smoke of ages, you danced and twirled before my eyes. You laughed and smiled at me, but then, just as in life, you were gone. 

Rationally I'm done wasting emotion on you. Hoping that each time I come back from a mission you'll have messaged me. When has love ever been rational?

I saw forever in her eyes
Tasted eternity in her kiss
My belly home to butterflies
It's her I truly miss

Her arms are home
Her laugh the sweetest melody
The most loved goddess of Rome
Her name, my threnody

Alone, I now wander
Damned to ponder
The heart grows fonder
Her love I did squander

Left to my thoughts
Self loathing
Animus rots
Solace brought by no thing

Telling constant lies
"I'm fine." "Everthing's okay"
I'll rest and never rise
Not this day

She feeds me false hope
Dares me dream of tomorrow
Wants me to cope
All I feel is sorrow

Death would be such a sweet release
No more feeling
Eternal peace
Emptiness so appealing

I am but a husk, hollow
Why continue on?
A bullet to swallow
All that is good is gone

The more I see and experience in life, the more I realize that there are those who will always be there for you, who always want to see you happy. Thankful for mine.

Why do they always attack when I'm trying to sleep? You'd figure they'd attack when everybody else was asleep, but noooooo they Wait for them to be well rested. Fuck them. Sleep is one of few joys left to me.

SI TÚ ME OLVIDAS

QuIERO que sepas
una cosa.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja 
del lento otoño en mi ventana, 
si toco
junto al fuego 
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña, 
todo me lleva a ti, 
como si todo lo que existe, 
aromas, luz, metales, 
fueran pequeños barcos que navegan 
hacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

Ahora bien, 
si poco a poco dejas de quererme
dejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Si de pronto
me olvidas
no me busques,
que ya te habré olvidado.

Si consideras largo y loco 
el viento de banderas 
que pasa por mi vida 
y te decides
a dejarme a la orilla
del corazón en que tengo raíces,
piensa
que en ese día,
a esa hora
levantaré los brazos
y saldrán mis raíces
a buscar otra tierra.

Pero
si cada día, 
cada hora
sientes que a mí estás destinada 
con dulzura implacable.
Si cada día sube 
una flor a tus labios a buscarme, 
ay amor mío, ay mía, 
en mí todo ese fuego se repite, 
en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida, 
mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada, 
y mientras vivas estará en tus brazos 
sin salir de los míos.