yijah, Qey' 'oH

Firstly, my big brother is amazingness. I cannot imagine my life without Him.

Now on with the regularly non-scheduled presentation.

Last night was a bit of a rough night. I felt VERY angry and spent three hours thinking on how I would annihilate people in different situations. It definitely was not good. Good news for me is that I have sa-weet friends that make my days and nights fun to live.

I'm sorry that I haven't been much of a blogger recently, but I have such a life that I am barely home anymore and thence unable to bore you all with my lovely drivel. Soo.... Enjoy some randomocity and some tastefully selected music.

C M DOGS?

A R NOT!

O S A R!

C M FEET?

L I B. A R DUCKS!

 

Monster Within

 Monster Within

Staring at my mirror, displeased and distraught,

reminiscing upon all the battles I've fought, 

I can not help but wonder, what do i feel? ,

do my emotions exist? , are they even real? ,

I glance at my body in disgust and scorn,

all that it lacks are the wings and the horns,

and the pitchfork, perfectly reflecting my character,

for the rank of my evil is of a truly high caliber, 

I despise all that is nice, I sympathize for no one, 

I glare in disgust upon all that is fun,

your mistaken if you think that I'm sweet or kind,

for if you knew the real me I'm sure that you'd find, 

I am nothing at all like the way I appear, 

I disguise my true self, I hide it in fear, 

I detest my appearance, I hate how I act,

so I silently made to myself a pact, 

I abandoned my heart and soul, and left them to rot,

in turn abandoning the pain and sorrow they brought,

and as my heart decays slowly, I can do nothing but stare,

into a mirror that reflects no one, as if I was not there,

and out of nowhere shrieks of pain and anguish ring upon my ears,

and everyone I ever knew breaks into loud cheers,

they stand above my casket, not in mourning but in joy,

they mock my frail corpse, for it resembles not a boy,

but a monster trapped inside that form, with not a chance to grow,

but it was the lack of heart and soul that laid the final blow,

and struck my body motionless, to lay in grief and woe,

and it was there that i died inside, the pain i felt, you'll never know, 

for I have no heart to pump my blood, no soul to warm my heart,

so my heart has grown an icy chill, and thus, broken apart, 

I did not resist my death, I felt it was deserved,

for my evil side still existed, though I kept it quite reserved,

so I died a painful death on my very date of birth, 

I died without a purpose, without a sense of worth,

and my death affected no one, they all lived on their lives,

as the empty shell of who I was, still wandered the earth, alive,

it resembles who I used to be, though it feels not a thing,

not a sliver of happiness, even pain doth not sting,

it wanders with no goal, only to eat and to write,

its poetic brilliance shudders, and awakens every night,

it claims to be me but has no real name yet, 

I would introduce you two, but you've already met,

it claims to be fond of you, I presume that is a sign,

maybe it plans to control you next, maybe you're all in line...

Here and there, the monster comes out. I hope you never get to see it, because then I fear you will never return.

 

Captain's Ledger 9-30-2011

Today, I begin spreading the elaborate chronicles of my adventures in......

BRINE SHRIMPING!!!

While the concept of bagging up thousands of pounds of these tiny eggs (which seem to be a mix betwixt sand and mud) is a bit mind boggling, it happens. Care to learn more? Call me or hang out with me. Or you could just read the blog....

Captain's Ledger

Entry date: Friday 9-30-2011

I, Captain Kirk Bourne Phillips, am keeping this ledger to record my memoirs and adventures abroad whilst brine shrimping.

       Wednesday the 28th was orientation. Orientation consisted of two hours of PowerPoint presentations and four hours of ATV (All Terrain Vehicle) training. The ATV training pushed my patience to the brink of disaster. Training aside, we traveled around 2.5 hours to reach our destination of MAIN CAMP. At MAIN CAMP, all but three of us fresh harvesters were assigned to several different camps. I was among the triad of lost souls. After yet another two hours of waiting, we were assigned to our respective camps. I was sent, along with one other man (Maurice Benally, a Navajo) to CAMP MORTON. MORTON was the most remote of the camps and because the sun was setting, we were unable to make the long ride out to what would become my home. Bunked in MAIN CAMP kitchen trailer.

    

 

     Thursday the 29th was a day that started late for me, about 5:45 A.M.  Left Morton around 7:30 A.M.  Arrived at mile marker 93 on I-80 Westbound sometime later, at which time I began unloading foodstuffs we had brought with. Walked with the Bosun (Bill, my supervisor who happened to be on federal parole for robbing a bank) around 1 mile to acquire ATVs  stashed in our smuggler's cove. Returned to highway, loaded ATV trailers with belongings and food, then made my first trip to my new home.I cooked the first meal in the camp, lunch. Chicken stewed in tomatoes and orange juice with a side of mixed vegetables. Reset of day spent organizing Kitchen tent (and carpentry for storage shelves). Managed to leave while dinner (chicken fritters and mixed vegetables) was being prepared. Dug my grave.

Friends

 "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

I have been blessed with the best friends any person could hope for. My friends make me smile, they make me laugh, they help me live. 

In other news...

I have a somewhat attractive body.

People are scoffing at the last remark.

I am now a workaholic.

I need a back massage.

     

Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower,
we will grieve not. But  rather find strength in what remains behind. In the primal sympathy
which having been must ever be, within the soothing thoughts
that spring out of human suffering. Within the face that looks through death.
Thanks to the human heart by which we live, thanks to its tenderness,

its joys, its tears, we may persevere.

 I left you guys for awhile. It's true. What happened in that time? Too many things to list but I will 

attempt to regardless... 

• Strengthened testimony
• Lost 15 pounds
• Became beefy
• Realized how much people mean to me
• Learned about myself

There's so much more that I may blog of later or that I save for actual conversation (yes, this is a plea for conversation and hanging out). This post, this post is not the usual flippant drivel. This post will [hopefully] be more meaningful. Sadly, I am very poor at putting what I feel into words but I will try to convey a bit of it into these empty pixels.

Out there, I felt so alone. For a large amount of the time, I was alone. Spending hour upon hour by me own lonesome has changed me. The changes aren't large and fantastic, but they are small, significant changes.

Solitude allowed me to see how wonderful my friends are. How to begin to appreciate them. 

Without you few people, I know I would not be where I am today. Friends lift you up, friends

are always there, friends don't have to think twice to tell you where you're messing up, but 

most importantly, they love. They love through thick and thin. It's true that there are times

when it becomes difficult to remember that love but it is there all the same. I have been blessed 

SO much when it comes to friends. My friends make me smile, inside and out. My friends 

make me feel comfortable. My friends better me I even have a friend who knows the questions

 to ask. You may think be thinking, "Wow. Questions? Really?" Yes really. This friend has

 turned into a bit of a shrink for me. They pursued a somewhat offhand remark I made and

gave me a question to ponder upon. The answer to that question has truly been such a wonderful

help to me. Thank you friend.

The desert, at first glance, seems barren. There seems to be nothing but sand

and the occasional piece of sagebrush. Out there I learned the sound of a wingbeat.

I saw my first living eagle. I saw bald eagles. I attained a great appreciation for 

beauty. Founding a single flower out in the barren world, that struck a resounding

chord somewhere deep within me.

To me the meanest flower that blows,can give thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.

In the glow of awakened memories when the deepest feelings of the 

heart are all astir, we are reminded of the poet who sings, 

"Backward, turn backward,
     O time in your flight.Make me a child again just for tonight." 

As the moon lingers a moment over the Rockies before its descent

into the invisible, my mind is filled with song. I find I am humming softly,

not to the music, but something else.

Someplace else.

A place remembered.

A field of grass where no one seemed to have been except the deer.

And the memory is strengthened

                  by the feeling of   you,

dancing 

in my awkward arms. 

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets 

 and makes night air smell better." -- Henry Rollins 

A quick one

Seeing so many people was so great for me. To hear people say they miss me, and mean it. Now that is one thing that always surprises me. I got enough hugs today to last me.... about three days. I miss everyone SO much. You really should text me and call me. I can talk most days after six, so please, don't hesitate to call me. Please. Text me anytime, any day.      801-787-7398  Hearing from people helps so much. And I promise I'll make it all up to you sometime when my life settles down for a bit. Farewell! Remember me once in awhile, please promise me you'll  try. You'll be in my heart, always. Because all I ever wanted was to see you smiling.

Alone in the Desert

Hey guys. I lack a large amount of time, but I just wanted to give a little update on life and let my overflowing thoughts flow from my cranium.

I spend a TON of time thinking about people, and how little I actually did with, and more importantly, for others. It's pretty funny what manual labor in the middle of nowhere can do for you.

For the first time in my life, I look at myself as being borderline buff.

I have a pretty decent tan. 

Oh yeah....

I found myself. 

Funny story, that is. I had to lose myself to find myself. I live with a group of guys where every morning, day, and night I have to ask myself who I want to be. For a few days I forgot who I was. Luckily in my ponderings I looked into myself. I searched within me in what I wanted in life, and life after life. Just exactly who I want to be. 

And I went to this place. It was on my day off, and when I arrived in town it was ~8 at night. I looked like a hobo. But I was determined to see this place. I wandered the grounds, relishing the peace, the joy, the love. I eventually wandered into the north visitors center and went through and read every little thing in there. The best part though, was went into the room with the statue of our Lord. I sat down and just felt so loved, so overwhelmed. Every little thing I worried about was abated. I know He understands me. I know He sees the full plan. I know He loves me. And that means so much to me.  I had a good hour conversation with two sister missionaries there. I had tears in my eyes the entire time, because I was truly bearing my testimony. They didn't ask for it, it just came. It felt so GOOD to say it. It lives in my heart, but to really locute it. Now that was wonderful. 

That is one thing I really dislike about myself. When I'm with people I always lock up. I don't find it within myself to say a quarter of what I want to say and when I finally DO find the courage, I just have such a hard time putting what I feel into words. I find myself just being quiet. 

"When we convern ourselves more with others, there is less time to be concerned with ourselves.... The more we serve our fellow men in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our souls. We become more significant individuals as we serve others. We become more substantive as we serve others -- indeed, it is easier to 'find' ourselves because there is so much more of us to find." - Spencer W. Kimball

 This quote rang true with me. President Kimball was the man who started my superhero to serving the Lamanites with all his strength. I'll be like him one day.

Hearts are annoying creatures. They throw themselves out, usually just getting banged up and hurt. When you finally learn it's better to keep them locked up it's too late. And as soon as you quit guarding them they weasel away and throw themselves at that one person you really want to have a gigantic crush on but are totally beyond you.

God be with you

1. God be with you till we meet again,
   By His counsels guide, uphold you,
   With His sheep securely fold you,
   God be with you till we meet again.
   • Refrain:
     Till we meet, till we meet,
     Till we meet at Jesus’ feet;
     Till we meet, till we meet,
     God be with you till we meet again.
2. God be with you till we meet again,
   ’Neath His wings securely hide you,
   Daily manna still provide you,
   God be with you till we meet again.
3. God be with you till we meet again,
   When life’s perils thick confound you,
   Put His arms unfailing round you,
   God be with you till we meet again.
4. God be with you till we meet again,
   Keep love’s banner floating o’er you,
   Smite death’s threat’ning wave before you,
   God be with you till we meet again.

 Aloha oe, aloha oe, 
ikeona ona noho ikalipo
One fond embrace,
ahoe'ea a,
Until we meet again.  Aloha oe, aloha oe,              I miss you so much. My heart has a big sad face :'(
ikeona ona noho ikalipo
A smiling face
ahoe'ea a,
Until we meet again.




 Right now, I am crying. I cry tears of joy for knowing so many beautiful people that I get to leave behind. You all make me so happy, and I hope that we can be even better friends when I find my way home again. Don't be too annoyed if my name pops up on your phone on Sundays and assorted nights... because I am sure I'm going to miss you all so much. 

Aren't hugs simply amazing? With one hug you can say, oh-my-goodness-I-don't-want-to-let-you-go-you-should-talk-to-me-when-you-can-and-you-have-to-come-back-to-me-or-I'll-cry-a-lot-be-safe-while-you're-gone-or-I-will-kill-you. And I've been getting such wonderful hugs these past days. And these wonderful hugs will last me several months. 

 

All of you have to survive these months without me. I'm taking my Zombie Survival Guide with me so I'm set. Though if there IS an outbreak of Solanum, I'm sure I'll make it, but I worry about all of you people dear to my....BRAAAAIIINNNSSSS!! Weirdness aside, you are awesome sauce incarnate. If I had to decide between a lifetime supply of Nagiri and you, I'd choose you (Pikachu).

"It's like bubble wrap in my mouth!" - Bourne Phillips (Eating Tobiko Nagiri [flying fish eggs on rice and wrapped in seaweed])

"How do you get groin pains in your calves?" - Hamish Sharik (I meant growing pains)

"BE A MAN!" - Bourne Phillips (my secret to beating guys in bowling)

                     I LOVE YOU!!!!

You should text me... or call me... or just love me... a lot. I will have limited time to respond and may not even have cell service for the majority of several months. I will try and catch up on calls and such come Sundays and every other Friday.

801-787-7398

P.S. If you are feeling lonely and want to hear a big, manly voice, my voicemail should satisfy you. Not to mention you'll probably smile and be incredulous that I can talk that low....

She smiled as she looked at the flower.... It was such a tender smile, and so happy, I decided right then that I wanted to make her smile like that again and again and that I wanted to look at that smile until the day I died.

Some days life is average. On others, life is grotesquely PHAN-AMAZINGLY-TASMA-AWESOME-GORICAL ❢ ❢ ❢

These past few days, have been mostly the latter. You think I am lying? Well let me delineate, whilst you reconsider your thoughts that I prevaricate. 

I....

• I hung out (repeatedly) with a Marine that was back for a few short days.
• Outgunned said Marine at Nickel City.
• Have eaten around seven chicken chimichangas 
• Had a running man-date
• Ran through sprinklers. Shirtless. 
•  Ran through a neighborhood where everyone was out doing service (including Marcus Rittmanic)
• Saw a large chunk of space trash burning in the atmosphere
• Explored Orem
• Saw the band one last time
• Interrupted Honors Japanese one last time
• Catered at Timpview one last time
• Hugged people dear to me
• Smiled on the inside
• Swam at midnight
• Played H-O-R-S-E while swimming
• HELPED OTHERS

I am absolutely sure I left out a sizable chunk of things that made me so happy this past week. If I spent the time I should describing it all, you wouldn't read it all.

                                     

I feel my life ticking away. 

Slipping. 

Sliding.

The sands of time escaping my hands. 

But everything will be fine.

 I've got my older brother and Father who have planned everything out for me. Why? They love me. It really is a comfort to know that they will always accept me for me. Oh, and that job I happened to be accepted to? Well the money I will earn will be just enough to pay for two years of me going and spreading the light of the gospel throughout the world. Coincidence? I think not. The fact that any doubts I had were dispelled yesterday? Another definite sign there is a plan to my life that I can learn to live by listening to a certain still, small voice.

Oh, and then there are all these amazing people in my life. People I can vent to, people that make me smile, people that actually massage me for a change. They are so stupendous. I really wish I could give a description that would give any one of them justice. Imagine a seriously beautiful person, then stick in a ludicrous mind, and a dazzling smile. Now you have a glimpse what any one of my friends is.

At the time of this post... I have approximately 28 hours before I leave to the desert (though I won't ride through it on a horse with no name) and out of your lives for an age. I don't mind for quite a few reasons, but the top one I will describe right now is... my day today. Several hours of service to start it off right. Then not so random wanderings with two friends. Same two friends accompanied me to bowling, fudge, and they also helped me throw parachuter men off the area underneath the BYU Clock Tower. Oh, and then I went back to cleaning... but then I forgot to give a present to somebody.... and I gave it while the the sun was setting behind them. It looked a bit like this, but it was even more pulchritudinous.

                  

I ran home. What next? I was the gay/straight-best-girl/guy friend and went and got a pedicure with this marvelous girl I know. We also happened to go and get some pretty dang great food at the Spice Grill on University. This place has been one of the few restaurants to give me a spicy heat that makes my nose run. 

I'M GOING TO MISS YOU ALL!!

God gave me you. 

Yes. You.

Not  EWE.....

Not U.....

YOU, my friend.

I am SOOOO blessed to have so many amazing people care for me.  It stuns me all the time. You all mean so much to me. Like right now I'm on the edge of tears knowing that after Tuesday next week it'll be months before I see your smiling face. Pretty pitiful huh?

In the words of Christine, who is from the Phantom of the Opera, 

"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me once in awhile, please promise me you'll try."

I somewhat have a fear of all of you forgetting me while I leave these coming months, though I know I've scarred all of you too much. 

  You've got a friend in me. Other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am. Bigger and stronger to. (maybe...)But none of them will ever love you the way I do. Just me and you.