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Sometimes I like going through my pictures. I really don't remember having a lot of these.

Depression

Depression. 

One of the songs I was listening to while putting this together.

A word that is commonplace. Nary a second thought to it.

We see it. We hear about it.

It doesn't really matter.

It's not so bad. Just be happy again. 

Smile.

Get over it.

It really isn't something you just "get over".

It hurts. A lot.

Though I'm not entirely hurt is the truest word.

A piercing, persistent ache that never leaves.

Depression is a pit.

"Get over it" and "Just be happy" really does nothing. Feels a lot like this.

Depression sinks in so gently, but weighs so heavily. Emotion that soared so high is now grounded. Ever held lead? For me, it feels like my body has turned to lead when I need to get out of bed. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything. Getting out and going is just so difficult. It's not unusual for me to lay in bed til four in the afternoon just so I have less of a day to try and fake through. 

With depression you can still do "happy" things. Laugh. Dance. Make merry. But without really feeling these things. To be honest, it's a lot easier to pretend you're happy, to laugh and smile at people, than it is to just be as you feel. When people notice it's always the same set of questions and answers.

Q: Are you okay (alright, fine)?
A: Yeah. (Fine, great, just normal)
Q: You just seem... different.
A: I'm just tired.

I love that one. 

I'm just tired.

A fine statement that people accept.

An honest statement. 

I'm just tired of waking up.

 Tired of being around.

Tired of being taken for granted.

Tired of being used.

Tired of being convenient.

Yeah. I'm tired.

Welp. Better out than in, amirite?

Vent

So this place has rather just become a place where I just vent. Where I regurgitate my feelings and frustrations. Sucks. I doubt anybody even sees these, but if you do, please disregard my obvious negativity.

I'm so sick of caring. I care about stupid little things which should be pointless. I care too deeply about people. It hurts. A lot. And often. The worst is I'm afraid of telling people what I feel. How can I be afraid of losing somebody that I really have no right to claim? I just feel any time I've ever trusted somebody I've been let down, and that scares me. 

Remember when we used to get talks in school about drugs and alcohol and all those other dangerous things that you were supposed to stay away from? Well they never told us about midnights spent with a beautiful girl who makes your heart try and beat out of your chest or her swell smile that warms your insides when you kiss. They said they were protecting us from harmful substances but they failed to warn me about you

It's almost midnight and I'm still waiting for your reply, because I'd rather talk to you than do anything else. But as the day comes to an end, I realize that I'm simply wasting my life, because you haven't replied for hour and it shows in your eyes that you'd rather talk to someone that isn't me.

Maybe. Maybe there's a reason why you forgot about me. Maybe it was the way I was never okay or how my hair was always mess, my eyes were always heavy. Perhaps twas how my thoughts were usually jumbled or other people interested you and you didn't know what to do. It could be how I cared too much. Maybe I still care too much.

I just may be the strangest person you will ever know. I am filled with too many oddities and too few consistencies and I will always lack that spongey filter that should live between brain and mouth. These defining traits, these enduring characteristics, and these fingers crossed in all of it, you will find them irresistible.