I'm so sick of everything. I'm going to flee to mexico for a week. February 2nd is my day. There are too many things which shouldn't matter at all to me which I let cut through to my heart. I am a fool

I spend a lot of time thinking. It isn't particularly good for me. Why? Because I have this terrible tendency of thinking of what's on my heart, and that leads to pain. I'm trying so hard to change, but my heart likes jumping without any regard to safety. I just want to feel wanted. I've given up on seeing any females. Always busy or going to get back to me or just straight up ignoring me. The times I actually get to make plans, they fall through or they "forget" about them. I know there are legitimate reasons but the fact that there is NEVER any follow up or re-try just show me how people really feel.  The low point is I've actually been dreaming and dreaming of them and I wake up and it's not like I slept and my heart still aches for them. It's pitiful.

Bright side? I still get to see people smile. That sunshine keeps me going.

Ego sum inimicus proprius pessimus meus.

Ego sum inimicus proprius pessimus meus. 

People know me for almost always having a blade on me. What people don't realize is that I give them the knife so often. I give out knives and then open up my chest and yell stab me and then I manage to impale myself whether they help or not. I'm so sick of me.  If only I were brave enough to tell somebody how I actually felt and just get it off of me. As is I doubt I'll see them again. Good job Bourne. You're a real winner.  Now you get to bask in more mistakes, to have more wonderful memories to beat yourself up about. Just quit.





I just needed someone to talk to 
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

I am my own worst enemy.

Life is good

Pretty much what I look like... in some weird alternate universe where I'm actually attractive.  I really have no idea why I have this picture saved, it was just titled "woopwoop".

Life is good.

I know at times it seems like I don't think so, but really this place is my venting place. You see, I've got this problem with being a nice guy. I try very hard never to be detrimental to other people, so I rather let it build up within and then it comes out in a torrent which needs be stopped.

Anywho back with the story. Life is good. There are a hundred thousand little things to be grateful for, and more keep popping up the more I look for them. One of the biggest ones for me, is actually quite small. A simple smile can make a day, especially if you know it's specifically for you. 

Favorite

Sometimes I like going through my pictures. I really don't remember having a lot of these.

Depression

Depression. 

One of the songs I was listening to while putting this together.

A word that is commonplace. Nary a second thought to it.

We see it. We hear about it.

It doesn't really matter.

It's not so bad. Just be happy again. 

Smile.

Get over it.

It really isn't something you just "get over".

It hurts. A lot.

Though I'm not entirely hurt is the truest word.

A piercing, persistent ache that never leaves.

Depression is a pit.

"Get over it" and "Just be happy" really does nothing. Feels a lot like this.

Depression sinks in so gently, but weighs so heavily. Emotion that soared so high is now grounded. Ever held lead? For me, it feels like my body has turned to lead when I need to get out of bed. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything. Getting out and going is just so difficult. It's not unusual for me to lay in bed til four in the afternoon just so I have less of a day to try and fake through. 

With depression you can still do "happy" things. Laugh. Dance. Make merry. But without really feeling these things. To be honest, it's a lot easier to pretend you're happy, to laugh and smile at people, than it is to just be as you feel. When people notice it's always the same set of questions and answers.

Q: Are you okay (alright, fine)?
A: Yeah. (Fine, great, just normal)
Q: You just seem... different.
A: I'm just tired.

I love that one. 

I'm just tired.

A fine statement that people accept.

An honest statement. 

I'm just tired of waking up.

 Tired of being around.

Tired of being taken for granted.

Tired of being used.

Tired of being convenient.

Yeah. I'm tired.

Welp. Better out than in, amirite?

Vent

So this place has rather just become a place where I just vent. Where I regurgitate my feelings and frustrations. Sucks. I doubt anybody even sees these, but if you do, please disregard my obvious negativity.

I'm so sick of caring. I care about stupid little things which should be pointless. I care too deeply about people. It hurts. A lot. And often. The worst is I'm afraid of telling people what I feel. How can I be afraid of losing somebody that I really have no right to claim? I just feel any time I've ever trusted somebody I've been let down, and that scares me. 

Remember when we used to get talks in school about drugs and alcohol and all those other dangerous things that you were supposed to stay away from? Well they never told us about midnights spent with a beautiful girl who makes your heart try and beat out of your chest or her swell smile that warms your insides when you kiss. They said they were protecting us from harmful substances but they failed to warn me about you

It's almost midnight and I'm still waiting for your reply, because I'd rather talk to you than do anything else. But as the day comes to an end, I realize that I'm simply wasting my life, because you haven't replied for hour and it shows in your eyes that you'd rather talk to someone that isn't me.

Maybe. Maybe there's a reason why you forgot about me. Maybe it was the way I was never okay or how my hair was always mess, my eyes were always heavy. Perhaps twas how my thoughts were usually jumbled or other people interested you and you didn't know what to do. It could be how I cared too much. Maybe I still care too much.

I just may be the strangest person you will ever know. I am filled with too many oddities and too few consistencies and I will always lack that spongey filter that should live between brain and mouth. These defining traits, these enduring characteristics, and these fingers crossed in all of it, you will find them irresistible.

Man. No matter how many times a pretty girl stands me up I've always got that hope. Hope is a terrible thing, it grows from nothing and pops out into something that burrows into your heart. Then it puts up its beautiful head and just begs to get ripped out. I'm done. 

Reasons to date me

Reasons to date me

• I can sometimes open jars
• Nobody will try and steal me away
• Fat guys love fires and marshmallows
• Awesome cuddler
• Sometimes I'm funny

Social

I don't do people so well. 

I find it difficult to be completely open with someone. 

I stumble over words and phrases.

 I mumble.

 I fear what others might think of me.

 I'm afraid of people not liking me.

 I'm afraid of people. 

I don't do well with small groups I don't really know.

I don't do well in large groups.

I afraid to hope.

I hope too much.

I hope for too much.

I invest my heart too much.

 I'm too needy.

 I'm too much of a pushover.

I don't know when to hope.

I'm funny (at least I think so).

I'm fairly easy to get along with.

I love seeing people smile.

I love people laughing.

Hugs are good.

So I think we can all agree that I'm no good with people, regardless of how much I like having them around. Luckily I sometimes get these people in my life that can coax me out of my shell and I can manage to ramble out a few sentences here and there. I can sit around and talk. Not even about anything important, just words coming out about how I might feel about a particular subject and they answer and can actually kind of maybe connect... sort of. It isn't half bad. Most the time I'm usually just content with being around people and listening to what they say. 

I wish I wasn't so prone to giving out my heart and wearing it around on my chest. It betrays me too often. It really hurts when I finally get to the point where I trust someone enough to open up and  then they disappear. I guess it's better that they disappear then, but it'd be nice to have someone I could depend on. Oh well. I really should pick up my feet and keep plodding on, but that can wait. Everyone needs time for a pity party and I'm choosing now for one. Never understood why they call it a party... it's more of the opposite, an antiparty. 

Some thoughts

Hey.

I'm sorry for not really relating anything good to you guys. It's just that I haven't really felt  like there's been anything good worth sharing.

I've been thinking.... a lot.

Thinking isn't something I should not do. I wax philosophical and tend to do things I normally wouldn't do (okay, things that I would normally only imagine doing). Like finally understanding that sometimes I just need to come to terms with certain things and realize my position in other peoples lives. That I really should just find those that care about me for me and make them the important people in my life. If others cant find it in themselves to care about me and how I feel, to make that little amount of time for me, they really aren't worth my time. 

Then I come up with little one liners. A  lot of em . I really should start writing them down.

Listen or your tongue will keep you deaf.


\\

I'm so sick of being just a convenient friend. I am done with being blown off time and time again. I've got three friends I know will always be there for me, and sadly all of them may are mostly memories. I'm just done with all this. Done done done done done. If I weren't such a nice guy and if I didn't have a conscience I would be living as I could elsewhere. Preferably out of country.

5 Minutes

TOP 5 REASONS I LOVE CHIMICHANGAS

1. They taste like victory!
2. They don't talk back!
3. I get to use my mouth!
4. They are there for me!
5. They love me back!

Sooooooo

A needle pulling thread

You guys totally didn't miss me.  But that's alright.

I didn't miss you either.

Here. Have some funnies I had lying around my hard drive.

We all know what his font means! If you don't know... well you haven't stalked my blog enough. 

Ummm... once upon a time there was a (not so little) boy who had friends. Sometimes he'd even speak to them. Then magically there came an enchanted friend who made this boy very happy and filled his life with joy. 

Wasn't that a lovely story? I liked the part when the boy had the imagination.

Gone

I'm so sick of caring.

Words say one thing, but your actions say elsewise.

I so wish I could find it within myself to trust. I'm sorry. It just doesn't happen anymore. Every time I've tried it just hurts more and more.

Longing

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Is it wrong to cut just to see the blood spill?

To watch it as it hits the ground?

Watch as it fills my thrill.

Forever bound.

The promise of the razor blade

To love the blood, the color, the smell

These scars, Handmade.

Every time i say a farewell.

In a note, I write my Goodbyes.

All my regrets and Lies.

Here i stand, blood split, all said and done.

I have lost.

The thought of death, won.

Lonely Life

Lonely on the land I walk,
Lonely cross the sea I sail,
Lonely air of beach I stroll –
This lonely life doth take its toll.

Lonely trek of woodland trail,
Lonely mist in haze o’ dawn,
Lonely spies the bird of prey
In lonely circles all astray.

Lonely be the dark of night
When sleep is but a yearning wish,
To dream of sweet companions close,
As wine would pair with diner's dish.

Lonely do these thoughts me make
That draw my blood of precious life;
Replace with stream of flowing pain
To bless my veins with coursing strife.

Lonely years are now my friends,
Lonely cries bereft of sound,
Lonely tears that cool my face
In lonely life of sullen pace.

  --Mark R. Slaughter

Busy, busy, busy. 

Busy here.

Busy there.

All I know are busy everywhere.

Never here. 

Never there.

My heart is busy, somewhere.

*Heavy sigh*
I'm tired of waiting. 

I'm sick of being forgotten. 

I'm jaded by hope.

All around I'm just sick of emotion.

Maybe if I disappear for awhile life will be better.