Zombieland

Once upon a time I watched a show called Zombieland, but this show made me think...  and from the painstaking process of thinking I thought of this: Why is everyone so unprepared?! Did we not see this coming?! Are there not hundreds of zombie movies and books warning us of the apocalypse?! (My favorite of which is zombiesurvivalwiki.com ) I decided that this is an urgent matter that needs discussed immediately so your brains don’t get chewed out.


Now I know that the popular culture is into vampires slash Twilight. But zombies are much better. And just saying, Twilight sucks. (Does anybody else remember how everybody was/is obsessed with me "being?" Jacob Black?) Zombies and vampires both have some things in common though so I think a compare and contrast is in order.


-Both want a relationship with humans.
(Vampires want to fall in love and Zombies are in love with your vital organs)
-Both are hungry.
(Vampires want a sip from your neck with the exception of Twilight, and Zombies prefer brain soup)
-Both have a unique fashion sense.
(Vampires have dandruff of glitter and capes, Zombies have various limbs missing and blood stained clothes)
-And lastly both are at the forefront of media today
(Vampires are preteen crushes and Zombies are in the action slash horror genre)


Now all you vampire people, grow up, get real. Zombies are for realz [4 srs guyz] and more likely to eat you. Vampires just drown you in glitter; you can get the same thing at a gay pride parade. Now, time to talk seriously on how to survive, and facts you may not know about zombies.


How to spot a zombie:
-Grey slash pale skin
-Wound that doesn’t stop bleeding
-Visual signs of decay
-Smells horrid
-“Empty” eyes
-And lastly the mindless moaning and groaning of the living dead
(Also please note: If anyone you know starts biting you or ripping your flesh, this is also a vital indication of the undead. Best to kill them and ask questions later)


Speed of a zombie:
-There are two speeds for zombies (much like those old lawn mowers that have the speed of ‘turtle’ and ‘rabbit’)
+Turtle speed- zombie is traveling at a slow ‘shamble’, in other words if you walk at a normal slash fast pace you can out walk them
+Rabbit speed- zombie is pumped full of adrenaline, aka supa fast! My best tip on this one is to run faster than humanly possible


How to treat the infected:
- Homeopathic remedies
+There are none.
+ But homeopathic means natural, so a natural way to treat infected would be the injuring of the brain via rock, stick, or large mammal.
- There is no cure. Plain. Simple.


How to kill a zombie:
-Destroy the brain or remove the head


What to do if your friend is infected:
- Take no chances, kill them immediately and dispose of the body away from your hideout
- Be sure to cut all emotional ties beforehand so that this is not a painful process
FOR EXAMPLE: 
If my one of best friends, lets say Jaron Harris, becomes a zombie. Even though he means more than most girls to me, I would be forced to view him no longer as my friend, but as a creature wanting to eat my raw, bloody flesh (Side note: This would be a very noticeable change in his character because he is usually a rather shy, bashful guy and that's just against his nature). So I would have to destroy his lovely brain. (I would most likely use a chainsaw because I would want to make his death as epic as possible) 


{If you click on Jaron's name you will see his Facebook page and realize what a hunk he is. If you need a date, he is certainly available}


What to do if you’re infected:
-Gather useful tools and weapons and give them to other survivors
-Dispatch yourself
   = You may decide to go out in a blaze of glory attempting to take as many zombies with you as possible. Please make sure you can go through with this and destroy your own brain in the process.

Safest spot:
- High ground with land for farming and source of clean water.
-Be sure to have an escape route


Optimal weapons:
-Melee weapons (these are the most efficient due to the fact that they will not run out of ammo) *take precautions- zombie splatter could infect you*
+Katana- most efficient killing tool
+Shaolin Spade- Pole arm works as weapon and shovel
+Crowbar- heavy and blunt, good for brain smashing, also efficient for opening stuff
+Other blunt objects such as bats, guitars, croquet sticks are also useful
-Firearms (Accuracy > Rate of fire)
+Bolt-action and semi-automatic are ideal
+ High caliber machine guns are also handy on the occasional killing spree

  If you want to learn more read 

"The Zombie Survival Guide"

I will gladly loan it out if you only hang out with me *wink wink*

Also watching the movie Zombieland may give you some more helpful rules of survival. 


Now, I hope everyone is educated enough to now defend themselves against a zombie uprising. And with that I leave you with this:


Little Rock: [playing Monopoly] Oh, free parking.
Wichita: Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about Zombieland.
Columbus: No, the best thing about Z-land, no Facebook status updates. You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." Who cares?
Tallahassee: The best thing is no more flushing. Epic.