I saw forever in her eyes
Tasted eternity in her kiss
My belly home to butterflies
It's her I truly miss

Her arms are home
Her laugh the sweetest melody
The most loved goddess of Rome
Her name, my threnody

Alone, I now wander
Damned to ponder
The heart grows fonder
Her love I did squander

Left to my thoughts
Self loathing
Animus rots
Solace brought by no thing

Telling constant lies
"I'm fine." "Everthing's okay"
I'll rest and never rise
Not this day

She feeds me false hope
Dares me dream of tomorrow
Wants me to cope
All I feel is sorrow

Death would be such a sweet release
No more feeling
Eternal peace
Emptiness so appealing

I am but a husk, hollow
Why continue on?
A bullet to swallow
All that is good is gone

The more I see and experience in life, the more I realize that there are those who will always be there for you, who always want to see you happy. Thankful for mine.

Why do they always attack when I'm trying to sleep? You'd figure they'd attack when everybody else was asleep, but noooooo they Wait for them to be well rested. Fuck them. Sleep is one of few joys left to me.

SI TÚ ME OLVIDAS

QuIERO que sepas
una cosa.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja 
del lento otoño en mi ventana, 
si toco
junto al fuego 
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña, 
todo me lleva a ti, 
como si todo lo que existe, 
aromas, luz, metales, 
fueran pequeños barcos que navegan 
hacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

Ahora bien, 
si poco a poco dejas de quererme
dejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Si de pronto
me olvidas
no me busques,
que ya te habré olvidado.

Si consideras largo y loco 
el viento de banderas 
que pasa por mi vida 
y te decides
a dejarme a la orilla
del corazón en que tengo raíces,
piensa
que en ese día,
a esa hora
levantaré los brazos
y saldrán mis raíces
a buscar otra tierra.

Pero
si cada día, 
cada hora
sientes que a mí estás destinada 
con dulzura implacable.
Si cada día sube 
una flor a tus labios a buscarme, 
ay amor mío, ay mía, 
en mí todo ese fuego se repite, 
en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida, 
mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada, 
y mientras vivas estará en tus brazos 
sin salir de los míos.

Reading is my escape. Even this can't distract my heart.

Growing up love seemed so clean, so pure. It was idyllic in its simpleness.  It isn't. Love is hardly ever not messy. It comes out of nowhere and leaves you lost and confused and hopeful and scared. Yet still, love makes the sky more blue, food taste better, it fills life with clarity. It has ups and downs and it's a lot of work. People do stupid things because of love.

Why am I like this? Why can't I just like myself and believe in myself and be self confident?

Never in my life have I ever felt such constant emotion. Early on in life I learned self discipline, to not be ruled by my base self. As of recent, though, emotion rules. Is anxiety an emotion? Or is it a state of mind? I know not, just that when it hits it hits hard. I overthink constantly. It's hard not to when I've so much time stagnant.

Still, my heart soars. I feel full and complete. Life is good.

I'm going to kill some men. How dare they try what they did.